Screw propriety, I’m done.

I wish you could cue an OD on my behalf but alas. I’m also a wuss when it comes to surviving and not.

My youngest sisters asked me to have become slim when I come back from Sydney in more than a quarter of a year and when I asked them to give an explanation as to why they want me to lose weight; they said it’s because I look very pretty when I’m thin and just plain weird when I’m fat.

P.S. They saw old pictures of mine from before I became ill and gained weight after.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

What a petty thing to worry about, huh? In fact, I’m not even worried (about my weight, that is). Why not? Well, because something way worse and way more important came up in the past 48 hours. Ugh. I thought I could ride this subject out until I finished my education but ah well.

The subject being marriage, of course.

It’s not happening (of course, again), but I’m learning something. Both my parents regret not following ‘our’ society in the matter of educating their daughters instead of marrying them off in their late teens.

I find it quite funny that my mom blames my dad for choosing to educate me (instead of marrying me off) when I trouble her or do something wrong and my dad blames her when I do something oh-so-very-insulting and trouble him.

It’s worth noting that my dad absolutely LOVES making himself seem as the wrong. person in controversial situations stemming from MY actions and decisions. For instance, he took the blame for me rejecting the first proposal I got from my uneducated cousin before I left for Sydney for the first time at the end of 2016. And yes, I was 17.

Ugh. Speaking of which, that said cousin didn’t take the rejection well and neither did his mum and they told the entire village that I was oh-so-messed up and unfit for their son. Thus, no one even thinks to consider me for their sons anymore.

I’m relieved (I really am) that I won’t get any more proposals from uneducated dudes’ parents, but this information didn’t sit well with my parents (who very adamantly believe that this phenomenon is hurting their hard-built standing in society).

Second, my father wrongly admitted that he messaged my oldest paternal aunt’s cocky son on Messenger when in reality, I talked to that boy. I was in no way to romantic or flirtatious, but alas. That boy and his oh-so-very intelligent brother told my entire extended family that I was hitting on him when (no shit) I wasn’t.

And thirdly, my dad is going to take the blame for me messaging this other cousin who’s father proposed to all four of us sisters with the youngest being just nine. Do you even see how messed up and creepy that is? Anyways, their first choice from among my dad’s daughters straight up rejected the proposal and my dad then brought up the proposal with me since I was the apparent age-appropriate second choice.

While debating on my answer, I did the most sensible thing according to me. I message the boy in question to confirm if he even was interested and thought of me in this way because if he wasn’t then I could very easily say no and put it on him. However, in the process of waiting for him to respond, I realized that even if he said he was interested in me which I’m sure he wasn’t, I’d still say no to marrying him.

Anyways, that was a very slutty thing for me to do. Messaging a guy that my dad asked me to consider for marriage, that is. To put this in context, we only exchanged a few lines and I didn’t even bring up the subject of marriage or interest or love or anything of the sort.

Oh wait! My bad. He asked me to ‘watch’ him and see if I fell for anything in the way he looked or carried himself.

No shit, papa.

I had to endure a few slaps, a few more shiver-inducing curses and a lot of insults and anxiety-inducing scenarios as a result of this innocent mistake.

Please clarify something for me if you can.

Is me messaging guys at this time in my life going to lead to a divorce in the future?

Or worse, am I going to be blackmailed into letting my body being used by men because I’ll want to hide these absolutely non-flirtatious conversations from my future-husband (which I most certainly won’t).

Of course not.

Then what? What do you want me to do?

Oh I know. You want me to study and become financially independent, but to what extent if you won’t even let me build connections and talk to people.

Like my YOUNGER sister kept repeating ‘Why didn’t you ask me before messaging him!?’ again and again.